Hope and a Future

I had the opportunity last week to host a visiting missionary for a meal, so I took him to a little Mexican restaurant for lunch.  He's from Ghana and he and his family have sacrificed much to become missionaries over here in the United States, pastoring a church of people from all nationalities and backgrounds.  He has tremendous drive and sense of purpose.

I envied him so much, because since my husband died this past summer, I've had a struggle with having a sense of purpose.  As his caregiver, for years I knew exactly what I was going to do when I got up each morning.  And even though my life was very hidden and my world was small, I never felt insignificant.

I'm plenty busy with work around the homestead.  I'm looking into volunteer work and possibly employment next year.  I love my kids and grandkids and the time I spend with them.  I have wonderful friends and church folks in my life.  I'm especially comforted when I think of the joy Randy is experiencing in heaven.  God has blessed me with all of this and is also resolving some health concerns I've had.  I hope I'm not ungrateful.

But life as a caregiver was a very intense, focused life.  I had something (someone) to pour myself into, and now much of what I do around here alone seems kind of self-serving and aimless.  I used to be so driven to keep this place up, it consumed me at times, and now I feel I could just walk out the door and leave it all behind.  Without the people I love here with me, it's only so much wood, stone, and glass.  I don't think that change in perspective is all bad, but it leaves me wondering "What comes next?"

Sometimes I wonder if I haven't already done the greatest thing I'll ever do in my whole life.

I don't have an answer to this dilemma yet.  I'm still in the process.  I would prefer to rush out ahead and shake things up and make things happen.    But I'm learning each day to rest and wait.  Sometimes it's real agony for me, and other times there's an inexpressible sweetness in the waiting... waiting for my next adventure to unfold...  So this blog post will have to end with 'To Be Continued'.  We'll all have to wait for the next installment together.

Blessings,

Katrinka

P.S.  For those of you who might be a caregiver to an Alzheimer's sufferer, I encourage you to visit www.alz.org and especially the message boards.  This was very helpful to me.  I also couldn't have managed caring for my husband without friends, family, and a high-quality caregiver agency.  If any of you would like to discuss anything  with me about caregiving, please email me at rcdkatrink@gmail.com.  I'd be glad to communicate with anyone needing encouragement in this area.